So I'm having a moment. Keegan has literally just started Neurosurgery (week 2) and it has been tough. As I write these words I think, gosh, what a drama queen - he's having it worse. And despite that being true for him, it doesn't take away the emotions that I feel. Yet I feel guilty and horrible for feeling this way. For the last week, I've been trying to toughen myself up but I think I've finally reached the stage where all the emotion of being 'strong' and 'soldiering on' has bubbled out of me and spilt onto the floor. Being a doctor's wife is no easy task.
The most challenging time of the day right now is dinner time. When he was an intern, most of the time he came home around 7-8pm. In this last week, the timing has been sporadic and unpredictable - even Keegan can't tell me when he's coming home. One night he came home in the middle of the night for a few hours, only to go back to work at the most ungodly hour. I can't explain why this is unsettling - perhaps its just the routine of our married life up until this point getting disrupted and changed. Bit by bit I feel like medicine is eating its way into our lives. How bad is it that it seems to me as a disease - something unwanted and uninvited.
It is easy for me to see this whole experience as 'bitter' and 'life throwing me lemons', but I have decided that i will not allow this attitude to rule my life. Instead of seeing this as a horrible experience (how negative, draining and unhelpful), I will choose to see this is an exciting season for something new. Yes it is hard but nothing in this life is going to satisfy me - no one person - husband or family member, nothing - work, possessions, standing in life will ever satisfy my deepest desire to feel loved, valued and appreciated. But God can - He is the only one who can satisfy my whole being, forever.
It doesn't completely change my emotional state but its a step towards the right direction. If I keep seeing Keegan as someone who will meet my emotional needs then I am going to be miserable most of the time. I need to start looking at this this situation from a fresh perspective. My mind is not completely sold by this 'new perspective' but I feel that this is better than drowning in my own sorrows. I've got to redirect my attention and energy elsewhere. Will see how it goes. One step at a time.
Lesson #3:
I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Psalm 16:7-9, 11 ESV
