Brick walls

Today's post is about challenges, passions and childhood dreams.

Keegan loves motivational speeches. He quotes them, he watches them, he remembers them and feeds off them for every situation life will throw at him. They're not just words on a page, they're like a type of fuel for his soul.

I've recently (after years of exposure) felt the power of a passionate motivational speech. Randy Pausch's last lecture "Achieving your Childhood Dreams" on youtube is inspirational. One you could watch over and over again and it would never get old.

Randy's way of viewing set backs, to never give up, to keep challenging brick walls is something I passionately want to instil in my students and my future children.

Instead of seeing road blocks as signs to give up, he gives thanks for criticism, for when you are critiqued, you are loved.

What I was reminded of in his life, was not only to persevere with the dreams you have but to do your best to look out for and champion the chasing of dreams in those around you.

That's what I want to do this year. 2016. Chase my dreams and champion others to chase theirs as well.

Question is...what are my dreams?

Great question, but it makes me nervous thinking of putting them on paper. What if I never achieve them?

I guess, the journey is often more valuable than merely reaching your desired destination.

Lesson #6: You can do anything you put your mind to. Don't let others stop you from reaching your dreams. Never give up.

God made you for a purpose.

2015 Review

It's NYE 2015.

Time for a little reflection.

It's been a busy year. Reading back on the posts from earlier this year, I think I've grown a lot in so many different ways.

Currently, I'm sitting on the floor of our new apartment. Our couch is pending..so is much of our furniture, but it's refreshing. Keegan has been working nights this week, which means he'll be working tonight during new years. Happened last year too. Disappointing, but at least he got Christmas this year? Gotta look up right.

I'm still deliberating over whether I'd like to go to my parents for new years or if I'd rather just stay at home, by myself as the calendar ticks over to 2016. I'm leaning more towards the latter, but question whether that will be the most depressing end to 2015...or will it be okay? Guess there's only one way to find out. It's not that I don't love my family and friends, but last year I just ended up wishing Keegan was around for the celebrations.

2015 has been full on. Keegan started Neuro, we had to adjust with family, this was our first full time year at a new church, I started at a new school, we moved twice, I got my first car (thanks Mum and Dad), our apartment was finally tangible, I had a gym membership (first time in my life), played netball for a season, met some pretty awesome South African Jewish friends, kayaked with dolphins in Rose bay, put my housewife skills to the test and actually accomplished a lot more than I can remember. I think the hardest part of all of this, was that, for the most part, I had to do it on my own. But what I've learnt is that I'm a lot more capable than I thought, stronger than I feel and smarter than I think.

I didn't do my whole year alone though (gotta give Keegan credit). We went to Melbourne for my birthday, stayed over night in the Blue Mountains for a long weekend and went to New Zealand for a few days. When he's at home, he does try to help me out where he can. He's becoming more sensitive to my 'quiet emotions' and I've been a little better at communicating as well. Honestly, I have an amazing man beside me and when he can, I know he does his very best to not only look after me but to keep me happy. He dances for me when requested (he's not a dancer) and serenades me often. He shares his stories from work, opens my eyes to the world around us, he's patient with me when I don't understand (especially when it comes to economics and finances, but I'll get there). He takes on our household finances and deals with things that I don't get to - like booking our dental appointments.

Looking back, the one defining moment of 2015 was when I blew up at him for not having the time and energy to spend with me. He sat me down and reassured me that if I wasn't able to take it anymore, he would quit his job for me. That our relationship was way more important (despite what it may seem) than his work. I know I complain and my situations can be somewhat depressing, but when I look at my husband, I see so much potential in him. There are gifted kids out there and hard workers who just power on, but Keegan, he's both, he's special. It takes a really 'gifted' person to do Neurosurgery but what he also has above some others is that he is a disciple of Jesus. Regardless of how tired he is, he's kind, gentle and humble. He'll never look down on anyone. He understands the power of words and always uses them to build others up. He loves God and always wants to do what He has planned for us. How could I keep such an amazing human all to myself? That would be pure selfishness.

So despite my rants about how tough life can be I don't think I'd want it any other way. Besides, I know this is all training for what God has planned for our future.

To my Dec 2016 self, don't forget to reflect and I'm excited to hear about what the year has install for this little family.

Lesson #5: Reflect often so you don't lose sight of what is ahead.

Psalm 119:15 ESV 

I will meditate on your precepts and fix my eyes on your ways.

Psalm 1:1-6 ESV

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.

Still tough

So its still incredibly hard at times. Its been a few months since my last post and so much has happened. We moved back to my inlaws house while we wait for our new place to be finished, I'm starting to feel a lot more comfortable in my new job and I got a new car!

Keegans been starting to do a few on call nights. He did his first weekend on call a few weeks back...when you think "on call" most of the time you'd assume that that would just mean a few phone calls here and there right?! Well, wrong. Keegan's version of 'on call' involves a weekend sleep over party at the hospital from Friday through to Sunday. Yay.

Now where is God in all this? I can't find him...but just can't get over the fact that medicine seems to be Keegan's priority right now. I am very much on the sidelines.

Lesson #4: Sometimes life sucks. #Job #dramaqueenmylifedoesnotevencompare

This is tough

So I'm having a moment. Keegan has literally just started Neurosurgery (week 2) and it has been tough. As I write these words I think, gosh, what a drama queen - he's having it worse. And despite that being true for him, it doesn't take away the emotions that I feel. Yet I feel guilty and horrible for feeling this way. For the last week, I've been trying to toughen myself up but I think I've finally reached the stage where all the emotion of being 'strong' and 'soldiering on' has bubbled out of me and spilt onto the floor. Being a doctor's wife is no easy task.

The most challenging time of the day right now is dinner time. When he was an intern, most of the time he came home around 7-8pm. In this last week, the timing has been sporadic and unpredictable - even Keegan can't tell me when he's coming home. One night he came home in the middle of the night for a few hours, only to go back to work at the most ungodly hour. I can't explain why this is unsettling - perhaps its just the routine of our married life up until this point getting disrupted and changed. Bit by bit I feel like medicine is eating its way into our lives. How bad is it that it seems to me as a disease - something unwanted and uninvited.

It is easy for me to see this whole experience as 'bitter' and 'life throwing me lemons', but I have decided that i will not allow this attitude to rule my life. Instead of seeing this as a horrible experience (how negative, draining and unhelpful), I will choose to see this is an exciting season for something new. Yes it is hard but nothing in this life is going to satisfy me - no one person - husband or family member, nothing - work, possessions, standing in life will ever satisfy my deepest desire to feel loved, valued and appreciated. But God can - He is the only one who can satisfy my whole being, forever.

It doesn't completely change my emotional state but its a step towards the right direction. If I keep seeing Keegan as someone who will meet my emotional needs then I am going to be miserable most of the time. I need to start looking at this this situation from a fresh perspective. My mind is not completely sold by this 'new perspective' but I feel that this is better than drowning in my own sorrows. I've got to redirect my attention and energy elsewhere. Will see how it goes. One step at a time.

Lesson #3:

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.  I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.  Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. 

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Psalm 16:7-9, 11 ESV

Undeniably God

Reflecting on how we got to this point in our lives, everything has been so divine. God has definitely set Keegan and I apart to do something – and I have a feeling I know what it is.

By happenstance, when Keegan was in Year 5, his Mum, took home an unwanted autobiographical book from a neighbour’s house to fuel Keegan’s passion for reading. Remarkably, this book directed the course of Keegan’s life and sparked a passion that would eventually lead him down this path to neurosurgery. The book was called “Gifted Hands” by Ben Carson – a Christian neurosurgeon. It is Ben’s life story, his passion for medicine that called out the gift that God had planted in Keegan’s heart.

In the last few years, having made it through medical school and after his first internship rotation in Neurosurgery, Keegan had decided to pursue Orthopaedics instead. There were a few reasons for this, but one that resonates with me is that Orthopaedics would definitely give us more time together with our family and to serve at church. Our lives would not be as heavily dictated by his work as it would be if he were in Neurosurgery. In addition to this, from Keegan’s perspective, it was also more rewarding to do Orthopaedics given the higher success rate and therefore satisfaction from his job. But, as we were soon to find out, God would very loudly direct our steps back towards the ‘harder’, narrower path for a distinct purpose. Fast-forward 15 years later and Keegan’s life verse Proverbs 16:9 sends ripples down my spine.

Not everyone has as direct a calling and purpose in life as evidenced in Keegan’s life, but I am confident that everyone’s time on earth has a divine or unique purpose.  This is why I have chosen to write about mine– I feel strongly that God is starting to move in us at a rapid pace. I know these entries will be a blessing, if not, only for me, so that I may return to these years down the track and see the promises and purposes of God and give Him more glory. We don’t usually see God’s hand at work unless we look back at our own lives. I have been writing about Keegan’s life so far because I know our stories are intertwined. My own path is currently not as clear as Keegan’s but I write with confidence that God is about to restore that in my mind this year.

In light of Proverbs 16:9, I want to share with you what I feel God has purposed in our hearts and I can’t wait to read this back in 20 years time, 2035, to see how this plan plays out. For now, this is what I ‘know’: Keegan and I will set up a hospital/educational centre somewhere in need. We will both pass on our skills and knowledge, in medicine and education, to the local people so that they can be self sufficient. Our prayer is that this will be a blessing to this community (wherever you are, we are thinking of you) for generations to come.

I write this in faith, hoping in the future, confident that God is at work, nervous that I will not be good enough to fulfil his plans, but comforted by the fact that I don’t need to be. God will make up for all that I lack: The Lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want.

Lesson #2: A man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps (Proverbs 16:9).

The calm before the storm

My husband Keegan is about to start his first year as an unaccredited registrar in Neurosurgery. The story of how he got here is an entry in itself, but for now, things are just about to peak for us. I’m not a doctor and while I love to hear medical stories and look through pictures of the most gruesome scenarios, my insides squirm, half with excitement, half with fear when discussing abnormal bodily functions. I am far from medical but I find it extremely appealing. It’s similar to the way I feel about durian – I enjoy the aroma (like ripe mangoes) but I am not attuned to the taste and texture of the delicacy. Medicine is definitely for a select few.

I started this blog mainly because I felt I have learnt a lot through my involvement in medicine discursively – not as much academically as emotionally and philosophically. I am confident that my love affair with medicine (when you marry a doctor, you marry into medicine too) will continue to produce light bulb moments that may bless others as it will bless my own life. I believe these moments should be shared as vulnerable as it may be for me. Not to mention, it tires my husband to hear of my thought process after he comes home from work, so journaling appears to be a reflective and relaxing alternative. Who knows, maybe he will read this and comment?

The biggest lesson I have learnt recently through medicine is a better way to view challenges and failures. The attributes I admire most in my husband is his self confidence (without being cocky), determination and perseverance in the face of failures and challenges. These were instilled in him from young by his parents who stood by the belief that their children could achieve anything they put their minds toward. Despite my parents giving similar instruction, through no fault of theirs, I found myself believing that failing meant I was no good and that I must not have been made for that particular goal I was trying to achieve. Eventually after a few disheartened reattempts, I would give up or run out of steam. I was fascinated to find that failure fueled Keegan’s determination. Instead of taking criticism and failure as a sign to give up, he saw it as a lesson to be learned and areas to improve on. The game for him would be to identify these areas and work to develop these as quickly as possible. While our external reactions to failure are similar - I can draw up a professional development plan and identify areas for development, my heart takes a harder blow than Keegan’s, perhaps because I had always valued others’ opinions above my own.

A few lessons that I am still learning is the connection between our heads, heart, hands and hope. Here's what I've learnt: It all starts with the power of words. Take a sip of truth, repeat it often and it will stir into our bodies and infiltrate our hearts.  As the truth sinks in, we grow faith, trust and hope which overflow naturally into our actions. Head, heart, hands and hope, where ‘hope’ is a confident expectation of the future. I was never a fan of failure and pressure until I learnt that if my own attitude towards this changed, I would fulfill my own God-given potential. Perhaps claiming to be a fan is an overstatement, but where there is pain, there is growth, but above all there is love. 

Lesson #1: Fear of man is a dangerous trap, but trusting in the Lord means safety (Proverbs 29:25).